This is B23rZ* reporting on strange rituals performed by the inhabitants of the planet Earth. These rituals are indisputable proof that earth-lings are not as intelligent as we had hoped. We may need to postpone our plans to make contact for several more centuries.
Earth-lings have an odd relationship with the tall life form that remains green throughout the yearly Earth cycle. They go outside singly (or sometimes in a small group with the youngest of their kind) to a woody area. They wander sometimes for hours until one of them produces a thick blade attached to a handle. This earth-ling attacks the life form with great vigor until he severs it from its root system. Even though it is terrible to torture anything in this manner, I have more horrors to report.
The earth-lings subdue the helpless life form, ignoring its attempts at protection as they wrestle it to the roof of or stuff it inside of their vehicles. They take the doomed creature to their dwelling where they continue torturing it with a system of manacles that makes me glow purple.
I have attached a drawing of the round bowl with its deadly barbs so you can see for yourself.
They then force the poor being to remain upright and offer it only a bare minimum of sustenance.
As if that were not barbaric enough, over the ensuing days and nights they torture it with near strangulation, hanging all manner of primitive artifacts on their victim until you can hardly see its limbs or its pointed fingers. Some of the artifacts produce light while others seem intended to drag on its arms, perhaps to hold it in place until they are ready to make sacrifices to it.
Yes, that’s right. Earth-lings offer sacrifices to the unlucky soul. I know it doesn’t make sense but I have to report what I see. It’s as if they decide that they must worship this creature by placing boxes of varying sizes under it. I don’t see how they can both worship and torture the pitiful weeping thing, but there it is. In some ways it reminds me of the Larvarians painting the toenails of their dead reptilian brothers before consuming them. But I must not allow myself to be distracted by other planets’ organisms.
Finally, when their deity is drawing near its inevitable death, the earthlings fall upon their sacrifices. This happens by some pre-ordained order, as they almost all attack on the same morning. Before their sun has risen very high, they enter a frenzied state—tearing at the boxes and spreading colorful paper around them.
After all of this, the earth-lings ignore the life form until it is time to strip the artifacts off their victim. You might think they would rid themselves of the evidence of their cruelty but that is not the case. They exhibit no shame at all, storing their gory torture devices with utmost care.
Then one or more of them grab hold of the poor dead life form and drag it outside to remove the manacles in a most cavalier manner. I did take note of one area where the earth-lings piled many of the dead life forms together and lit a funeral pyre. Their respectful farewell ritual is the only thing in this whole saga that gives me hope.
I end my report with one final note. A great cloud of smoke from the funeral caused me some concern as my ship’s engine sputtered for several nanoseconds before I passed through it. I may have been observed by one of the youngest earthlings but do not fear. No one will believe her if she speaks of my ship. It will only be recorded as another unreliable sighting of a UFO.